Greetings Epifurious fans. My name is Melissa and I have no taste. No really. This goes beyond liking Celine Dion and watching WWF. I can not taste. The delicate nuances of spices are lost on me. Garlic means nothing. Butter=yellow. For me food is broken down to the most rudimentary levels: salty, sweet, spicy and sour. The more the Mortons™ the more likely I am to say, "Yum. Tastes like salt!" I used to be able to taste. It just went away. And chances are it's not coming back. But that's a different story for a different blog. Anyway...like any good creature I've learned to adapt (the salamander walks upright!) and I've discovered that eating can still be a pleasurable experience, you just need to look beyond the obvious. Sure it might taste good, but, my friends, how is the TEXTURE?
The editors at Epifurious thought you readers might enjoy a texture hunter's take on eating, so I'll be stopping by the blog-o-sphere periodically to tell you all you need to know about what is what when it comes to eating 100% taste free.
For my first entree I'd like to present the top 5 textural foods:
1. Gladys Edelman's Kugel. (seasonal) For all you Goyim out there this means pudding. Noodle pudding. Usually comes in the sweet or savory varieties. This past Rosh Hashanah my friend Ian Edelman's mom made a particularly delicious version. I think there was some cinnamon judging from the flecks of brown and some dried apricot that made it extra sweet. But the home run on this dish is the glorious texture. Layered, gooey, noodles stuck together with sweet, chewy bits in between. The bottom of the casserole gets mushy and gummy and the top, crunchy, seeming almost al dente. As they say, to die for!
2. McDonalds Cheeseburgers. When you can't taste, you don't need an expensive cut of meat. You need a textural experience and McDonalds has perfected the ultimate landscape. The crunchy little square bits of onions, the salty pickle slices (3-6 depending on the mood of your Golden Arches chef,) that flat gray mushy patty, and of course, bright yellow melted American cheese. Cheese glorious cheese. So waxy! So delicious! All snuggled up inside a soft, fairly flat, bun. Yum. Super size me!
3. Doughy baked goods. Anyone who says they like their cookies crunchy is no friend of The Texture Hunter. The rawer the better! Make mine a dough ball! Next time you're in line for a piece of that birthday cake Sheila from accounting was kind enough to whip up, jockey for a center piece. You'll be happier than a disgruntled office worker who's just been handed a 14 month severance package. If you're at the deli and you need a quick doughy sugar fix, reach for an Alternative Baking Company Luscious Lemon Poppyseed cookie. The cookie has a hint of yellow, selling the notion that is indeed lemon, and the poppyseeds add a whimsical little crunch. Who needs eggs, this is chewy and soft and texturally delicious.
4. Mutsu apples from the Union Square Green Market. (also known as Crispin) There is nothing worse than a mushy apple. Especially when you can't taste. Enter the Mutsu. They're crisp, crunchy, and best of all, sweet. And probably the healthiest thing that actually feels fun when you chew it.
5. Sabra™ hummus. The creamiest, smoothest, most luscious treat. I almost want to slather it on my dry elbows it looks so good. Close your eyes and turn off your taste. Swear to god, you'll think it's frosting.
And the runner up: onion rings. It goes to say, if it's deep fried and greasy, than it probably tastes good to a texture hunter. My personal favorites are at Dumont Burger in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The slimy sweet onion, nestled in a doughy semi-sweet crust and deep fried in an uber artery clogging fashion. Skip the burger and head straight for the O Rings next time you're in Willy B.
That's it for now. I'll see you later Texture Hunters. Keep on chewing!
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